ARE YOU GRIZZLED??

Who's More Grizzled?

Jim Greer.....Norm MacDonald

Wayne.....Robert Duvall

Tate Mitchum.....Garth Brooks

Prize Keeper.....Jim Breuer

Jim Greer: Hello, everyone! I'm Jim Greer, and it's time once again for "Who's More Grizzled?" the game show that finds out who is the roughest, toughest, most hardbitten old-timer around, so let's bring out our contestants. He is our returning champion.. [ audience applauds as Wayne enters ] Yes, you have some fans in the audience, Wayne. You are a former sharecropper and a World War II veteran who hails from Adler, Mississippi. So, what are you up to these days, Wayne?

Wayne: I mostly been huntin' and whittlin'.

Jim Greer: Well, that is great. Now, let's meet your opponent, he worked on an offshore oil rig until he broke his back, now he is a prospector. Please welcome Tate Mitchum! [ Tate walks out ] Welcome, Tate, and it looks like Wayne has his work cut our for him, because you, sir, are extremely grizzled!

Tate Mitchum: [ stares ] I don't much care for you.

Jim Greer: A lot of people don't - save it for the game! Let's get started. The categories are: "War", "Hard Times", "Bear Attacks", "Ailments", "Dead Wives", and finally "Coal Mining". And, Wayne, as the returning champion, you pick first.

Wayne: I don't much cotton to these computers today.

Jim Greer: You are good! As always, I'll pick for you. Let's try "Ailments". The question is: "How things treatin' ya?"

Wayne: I can't complain. My leg hurts, it means it's bound to rain. Wish them doctors at the VA could get that shrapnel out of my shoulder.

Jim Greer: That is correct! And, my, you are grizzled. It's still your board, Wayne.

Wayne: A lot of people don't know I was the first man to get a team of horses up Bear Mountain!

Jim Greer: [ pause ] Let's go with "War!" The question is: "Grandpa, tell me a story." [ Tate buzzes in ] Tate!

Tate Mitchum: I was separated from our unit, came across a bunch of Germans asleep a field. Bayonetted every last one of them! Didn't find out 'til later the war had been over for a week.

Jim Greer: Very nice, Tate!

Tate Mitchum: When I was your age, I didn't call my seniors by their Christian name!

Jim Greer: Well, I'm sorry, sir.

Tate Mitchum: Keep it, boy, I'll take a strap to ya!

Jim Greer: I wish I could give you points for that grizzled exchange, but I can't. Let's go to "Dead Wives". The question is: "Life's hard, isn't it?"

Wayne: Damn right it is, Sonny! I lost Adeline in childbirth 40 years ago! Every Spring, when the dogwoods bloom and the posies take a first step, I think of the way she.. [ buzzer ]

Jim Greer: I'm sorry, that's wrong. No, no that wasn't grizzled, that was wistful. [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum, you can take a commanding lead here!

Tate Mitchum: I've buried wives, but a father should never bury a son. It was the flood of '52, we were all caught on the levee, but.. I don't want to talk about this no more.

Jim Greer: Yes! Yes, that is the answer! Well, now, you know what time it is? It's time for the Grizzled Speed Round! This is your chance to catch up, Wayne. One minute, $200 a question, let's begin. Money! [ Wayne buzzes in ]

Wayne: I don't believe in banks, I keep my earnings in a coffee can!

Jim Greer: Correct! Government! [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum!

Tate Mitchum: They oughtta keep their damn noses out of people's business!

Jim Greer: That's right! Higher Education! [ Wayne buzzes in ] Wayne!

Wayne: Never had much cause fer book learnin'!

Jim Greer: Yes! Immigration! [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum!

Tate Mitchum: Got a strong back, we can use you!

Jim Greer: Correct! Religion! [ Wayne buzzes in ] Wayne!

Wayne: The day I set foot on that beach in Normandy, I never wished more that there was a god in heaven, and I was never more certain that they wasn't.

Tate Mitchum: Damn.. you are grizzled..

Jim Greer: We have a winner, and still champion - Wayne Little! Wayne, let's take a look and see what you've won!

Prize Keeper: You have won some salted meats and a bottle of Rebel Yell!

Jim Greer: Thank you both for playing, and, Wayne, enjoy your prizes!

Wayne: No, no, I don't need your charity, they ain't no such thing as a free lunch where I come from! Now, if you'll excuse, I got osme work to do. [ exits ]

Tate Mitchum: I'll be waiting for you after the show!

Jim Greer: Okay, that's all the time we have! Thanks for joining us on "Who's More Grizzled?"

THE AGONY OF DEFEAT

Today I am both sad and encouraged. I am sad because my beloved aggies lost on a late three pointer to LSU in the second round of the NCAA tourney. I am ,however, encouraged at the promise of a better future for the Aggies. This year was the first time in 20 years that Texas A&M made the NCAA tournament. This was also the first time in 27 years that they have won an NCAA tournament game. They beat a fifth ranked Syracuse team on thursday and lost by one point to LSU on saturday. So I say congratulations to the Texas A&M Aggies and here's to the future. Gig Em!!!

Everyman's Fantasy!?!?

This quite possibly may be the sexiest image I have ever seen. Who hasn't fantisized about a beautiful female bigfoot bringing you a melon full of honey? Do you see how the light reflects beautifully off her flowing reddish brown hair? Just go ahead and try to tell me that you wouldn't love to lie peacefully in a cave and share some melon and honey with this gorgeous female. Simply Breathtaking!

Everyone stand up! Remove your hats and show respect. You have been graced with the presence of Miss Revielle. This is the mascot for the greatest college in America... Texas A&M University. Miss Revielle is so respected on campus that when one passes away and a successor is chosen the former is buried on campus in a cemetary for past mascots. She is such a fixture at football games that a scoreboard was placed on a wall facing the cemetary so she could she the score.

MORE COLLEGE MASCOTS TO HATE!

My crack team of experts has put together more college mascots to be hated by everyone who is of sound mind. So take a gander and feel free to post any agreements or disagreements, but please note all disagreements will be discounted as b.s. Enjoy!

COLLEGE MASCOTS I HATE!

The staff here has put together this list of mascots that are despised and hated by most. We understand that there will be a few dissenters on this topic and we are well aware that not everyone will agree, but those who disagree are wrong.